The Pushover.

I often hear of people talking about "nice" guys and how they finish last. Really, the idea of nice doesn't really exist in my mind anymore. I mean, I don't understand it as others understand it.

What does it mean? Does it mean someone who is generous? Undeserved generosity is an open door for abuse. Does that mean someone who is not generous is not nice? That's not true. I don't want undeserved gifts from anyone, but I'll graciously accept what is offered. How does one choose to not be nice? To initiate a path of discomfort and pain seems like you would create unnecessary enemies.

So what am I? I'm just friendly. I receive people with open arms and if they choose to walk another path, I'll allow it. I'm not into fighting with anyone to be where they don't wish to be.

The real thing that you shouldn't be is a pushover. You shouldn't allow others to make you uncomfortable, or put yourself in positions where you know you won't ultimately enjoy them. To allow such a thing makes no sense whatsoever. You gain absolutely nothing from it, and sustain a relationship that causes you pain. Am I a pushover? I don't think so ... I was, but I'm far too dismissive of people now. At this point, no one can hold anything over my head. I understand what it means to not want to do something for someone, and I understand what it means if it causes them to not like me for it. It just means that this is reality, and in reality, we don't get along all the time. That's okay. We wouldn't get along anyway if I faked it, and I'd be doing both of us a crime. I'd be lying to someone else, and I'd be hurting myself.

Am I nice? Yeah, I guess. I'm definitely not openly mean. My mother gave me a great compliment the other day. She said that I'm strong but that I'm not corrupt.

It's strange. I don't really know if anyone really understands me. I always wonder if they would still live life the way they do, if, just for an instant, they saw the world as I do. I also wonder how blind I am to certain things. How many things could there be right in front of me, that I have blinded myself to? You never know what's there until you start to open your eyes.

I spoke to a friend a bunch of times about tension in your body, and how my life has changed since realizing how tense certain things are. The other day, she told me that she started to realize how tense she was when working at certain projects. She told me that she always thought she did alright, until she thought about it, and realized how her body tensed up. Once she trains herself not to tense up, she'll be able to continue working much longer without tiring herself. It's nice to know that you've reached someone, and changed someone's life for the better. I can't take all the credit, but I know I must have had some influence.

Well, I guess I lost a subscriber. Not that it really matters, it was probably someone who wasn't interested, or someone who didn't keep up on this anyway. I mean, despite the fact that the number of subscribers has doubled since march, the number of average hits has actually decreased. That's okay ... it's quality that matters and not quantity. If this is what reality has to tell me, then so be it. Feeling either way about it is largely inconsequential. This part is actually about my xanga ... but I guess it applies here too. Actually, I don't have any counter on this site, so as far as I know, no one reads this. That's okay too. I like that certain people might possibly read it, and sometimes I'm surprised by what people have to say. I like the calendar feature too.